The Artist's Way ~ Week 4: Recovering a Sense of Integrity

NO-READING week is over as of 10:00 pm tonight. And I will be glad to have it behind me.

I learned that not-reading does not, for me, free up vast amounts of energy, though it does free up time -- that commodity others covet, and of which I have plenty. I wrote a bit more. I watched the birds and squirrels in the garden. My camera broke, so I did not take lots of photos. The pets got more attention, which they are always happy to receive.

I drew every day, but only a little. I did not learn to use iTunes, nor did I learn to use the Wacom Tablet -- but the book I have for that is lots of words, so i decided to postpone it on that basis. I found that I wasn't very interested in television, even though I had some recordings ready to go. I listened to music, and the radio. I remembered why I used to listen to Praire Home Companion every week.

I did feel a bit more "in my body" -- not always a good thing.

I stuck very closely to the rules I laid out for myself; that is, no reading except personal and blog-related email, and Danny Gregory's Creative License, for drawing exercises. I did do some sidebar updates -- though that task is far from finished -- and did a somewhat complicated Friday Cat Blogging post. I also did a Daypix album for Watermark (yesterday's post.) From these I learned that, in terms of behavioral tranquilizers, computering does the trick, whether or not one is actually reading.

The biggest lesson is in what I didn't miss. I wasn't frantic for news (though that's pretty much all the television I watched.) I didn't wonder what people were talking about, except for those I most value; those whose thoughts and images and meditations and poems stir my own. I realized how rarely I actually read books anymore. I realized that I don't need to be on the computer all the time in order to get the most out of it. So for me, this no-reading week turned out to be mostly a no-computer, no-internet week, and I ended it resolved to read more books and fewer blogs.

There were a few other revelations this week. Damned if I didn't find myself clearing out my closet, just like Cameron said I would. Anything torn, tattered, stained, shapeless, pilled -- out it went. This leaves me with no blue jeans -- two pair on order -- and no hot-weather clothes at all, which I will deal with when the time comes. I hadn't really thought of these as low self-esteem clothes, but, though I wore them every day, I didn't go out in them. Which brings me to the next revelation.

It takes a certain kind of masochism to do an artist date at Barnes & Noble during no-reading week. I had an excuse: it was time for my every- two- months PetSmart trip. Often, friends do this for me, as it's an exhausting effort. But I had thought of doing the bookstore as an artist date, and it's right next door to PetSmart, so I went for it.

The car started right up -- which is amazing, as I don't think I've driven it in six weeks. I used my handicap sticker. I asked for help, so I was in and out of the pet store fairly quickly. Then I went to B&N; wandered about; bought myself a sketchbook and a little $5 bargain called How to draw a cup of coffee & other fun ideas; and then went to the Starbuck's cafe and ordered a cappuccino and a sandwich. All this, by the way, in my good outfit -- which for me is a pair of black jeans and a rarely-worn, thus holeless, turtleneck, carefully tucked away so it's there when needed.

This seems ordinary enough, doesn't it?

It has been so long since I've done this -- gone somewhere, by myself, in public, for something other than necessary errands -- that I cannot remember when it was. Years. Truly.

As I sat there, writing in my sketchbook, not reading, I caught myself thinking: what if I get caught not being sick?

Shame. Enlightenment.

Not that this is a new insight -- I've noticed it in myself before. There was never any doubt for me about whether I deserved my paychecks; I worked hard. I liked working hard. But how does one earn disability income? Why, by suffering. And I'd better suffer a lot, too. All the time, in fact. Deeply. If I can't work, why should I be allowed to play? I'm not being paid to play.

So I sat there, enjoying myself, managing to evade even the fat people shouldn't eat in public message, and observing with some detachment these deadly shaming messages with which I erode my own life. Shame is so versatile; it will attach itself to anything, and I have a lot up for offer: Poet??? Ill. Fat. Useless. Old. Believe me, this can get scathing.

So, a bit more work to do there. But also, a practical lesson, that may seem obvious to you, but is new to me: if I include, at the end of a tiring errand, 30-45 minutes of pleasant sitting, I have more energy for the drive home. I'm not totally exhausted when I stumble through the door. I actually feel just ordinarily tired, and even pleased. Treated. Yes.

Well, that's a lot. Just one more observation -- that I don't attach to anything in particular, but perhaps is related to this whole process -- in the past weeks I've written about two subjects that have haunted me for years; that I've made some effort to write about before, but with little success: my brother's dying and my green world vision. It also seems to me that my work (my poems) is going a bit deeper.

And I dreamed of dragons. I'll tell you about that later.

Comments

[kat]

wow, what a powerful post, sb. and what great insights about what you deserve and what holds you back. wishing you many more moments of fun. (((hugs)))

[endment]

Thanks for sharing your insights for this past(finally)challenging week.

I also noticed that I felt "more in my body" for me that is almost never a good thing.

Would love to hear your experiences with your Wacom pad. I am also trying to get acquainted with mine... Finding it very slow.

[Blue Dog]

sb, thank you thank you thank you for all that absolute honesty. i mean, wow! it seems like you've had an incredible week with a lot of realizations. and yes, I agree, it is exhausting! and wierd and amazing all at the same time. it felt good to read about someone else's process of turning inside out. i'm not sure why, but it does.

i'm glad you treated yourself to a day out--AND allowed yourself to enjoy it. good for you.

and the links to the art books--they look like fun! you make me want to spend some doodling. :)

[Blue Dog]

oh, and dragons?! can't wait to hear more! my dreams have not been nearly as intersting.

[Jyesika]

Hey, I just got a Wacom tablet for Christmas. The biggest thing that was stopping me from using it correctly is that I was using it like I use my mouse track pad, in that I would try to scroll by going up and down, like I do with my finger when scrolling. Anyway, once I figured out that the active part of the palet is equal exactly to part of your computer screen (eg if you put the pencil in the top left, the pencil will be automatically on the top left of the screen) it got so much easier for me. To the point that it's very natural, like regular drawing.
Anyway, good luck, and good mucking around!

Jys

[niki robinson]

Such a thoughtful, insightful, and thought provoking post. Beautifully written - gives the reader such a clear picture of how you felt, and an understanding and appreciation of your situation. I felt like I was inside you as I read it. I only wish you wouldn't feel guilty on the rare occasions that you are able to get out and enjoy yourself!