Ask the Agony Cats

Dear AgonyCats:

My human has become preoccupied with things other than me. I don't mean just reading -- books have always been a manageable competitor (just sit on them.) I mean computing.

She used to sit at a desk and try to type, but I could easily distract her by walking across the keyboard. Now, though, she has a fancy little laptop gadget that lives -- believe it or not! -- on her lap! My lap! Hours go by, and she hardly even notices me.

What do you advise?

~ Pitifully abandoned for the internets

Spike says:

Dear Abandoned:

Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- tolerate this from your human. You must intervene immediately to prevent an escalation of unacceptable behavior, or soon she will be forgetting to feed you. You must firmly, and frequently, remind her of her place. Begin with relatively benign corrections, but do not hesitate to progress to more severe interventions if necessary.

Try these:

• Pace in front of her, yowling commandingly. If properly trained, she should stop whatever she is doing to figure out what you want, and provide it.
  
• Squeeze up next to her as close as possible; roll onto your back; then grasp her arm with all four of your legs. Don't let go. She can't type when you are gripping her like this.
• Push into her side (arm, or ribs -- whichever is most accessible) as hard as possible with your head. Keep it up until she pauses to scritch you.
• If there are other critters in your family (child, cat, dog, bird, hamster -- whatever) annoy them to create an uproar. She'll have to get up to protect them -- or you. This can lead to a fun game of chase.
  
• If all else fails, bring your teddy bear as close to her as possible, and begin humping it and screeching. This will nearly always work. Humans are incapable of ignoring this behavior. At the very least, she will stop typing long enough to pick you up and lock you away.
  

Most importantly, do not just let this behavior continue. There is no excuse for ignoring a Cat.

 

Boo says:

Dear Pitifully:

I suggest you examine your own contribution to this sad state of affairs. Have you been as attentive to her as you ought to be? Are you keeping yourself well-groomed; purring often and loudly; being alert to comfort and amuse her when she is bored or depressed? Perhaps you have been taking her for granted, and need to carry a bit more of the load during this stressful time.

I suggest:

• Sit nearby (but at a non-disruptive distance) while she works, gently purring and looking up at her occasionally. Put on your most charming, affectionate, respectful expression during these interactions.
• Consider how tense her body must be, typing away like that all the time. Gently drape yourself over her shoulders, and massage (claws kept in!) her neck. A few sweet face pats will not go unappreciated, I'm sure.
• Sit across the room and gaze at her sadly. Eventually she will relent, set the laptop aside, and invite you back where you belong. Patience!
  
• Act kittenish. Humans can't resist cuteness.
  
• Bring her one of your toys to play with. Demonstrate for her how it should be done. This may require repetition.
  

I'm sure that if you commit yourself to it, this relationship can be saved.

Ask the AgonyCats will appear at unpredictable, feline intervals, depending on cat moods and the mailbox. If you would like to solicit advice, send an email to: askthecats AT sbpoet DOT com. Boo and/or Spike will be happy to respond. Maybe.

Both AgonyCats have a great deal of experience in inter-species relationships, though they bring somewhat different perspectives to the situations they encounter. Any problem submitted for their consideration is assured of the utmost discretion, expertise, and privacy.*  Feline correspondents will, of course, have priority.

*[Discretion and privacy are guaranteed, except that letters will be published for the readers of this blog; and the readers of any excerpts published outside of this blog; and any over-the-fence or under-the-sheets conversationalists. No solution is guaranteed to be effective under any circumstance, and AgonyCats accepts no liability for hurt feelings, inadvertent or deliberately inflicted wounds, or any other damages that may ensue from incorrectly or correctly implementing any suggestions herein. Whatsoever. Etcetera.]

Have any concerns or complaints about this silliness?

Go hiss at Anne. It was her idea.

Or, just go entertain yourself elsewhere:

• The Carnival of the Cats is at Life From A Cat's Perpective
• Tomorrow the new carnival will be at Grace and Kittens
• Weekend Cat Blogging is at What Did You Eat
• & Friday Ark  is up at Modulator

May your week be Agony-Free.

Comments

[Neha]

Bless your soul, you're still writing. How've you been, old friend? I just wanted to send my love and tell you I'm back under a different name. The wanderer is living through Epiphanies now. I hope we wont be strangers anymore.

[niki]

Dear Spike and Boo:

I am a 14 year old cat that lives with two small dogs. I get along fine with them and we even all sleep on our person's bed together. My question is, why do these canines sniff under my tail whenever they get a chance? I would never do that to them or any other animal. It seems like an invasion of my privacy, as well as being rude and annoying. What advice can you give me? Sincerely, "Sitting Down"