Watermark

Guilt, Shame, & Responsibility

I didn't ask to be born!

For some reason, trying to sleep in the early morning, I think of this adolescent wail. And I think, all around this world -- probably across the galaxy -- people are born into poverty and abuse, slavery and illness, hardship and brokenness -- and none of us asked for this. Of course, some philosophies and religions suggest that we did, but set that aside for the moment.

When I worked with sex offenders, their victims and their wives, the wives (especially wives of men who abused their own children) would often claim the blame for the abuse. There are, of course, some wives, mothers, girlfriends, who do know -- even condone -- their husband's crimes. But usually, not. Yes, it is possible to not know; or to suspect, but deny.

After awhile, I began to see these assertions of guilt as a rather sophisticated avoidance of responsibility. As long as a mother blames herself for her husband's behavior, she is distracted from her own. She did not abuse the child. But perhaps she did ignore the complaints of her children; refuse to hear. Perhaps she feared change; feared how things would be if the denial stopped. Feared what she would lose.

She can't change his behavior; she can only change her own -- and that means, often (usually) great upheaval for the protection of her children.

Why am I thinking of this now, and why am I posting it here, on a blog about illness?*

Emergence?

Well, here I am, up in the middle of the night, wanting to be a blogger again. It's been a tough time lately. I find myself worrying that I may not be able to continue taking care of myself; energy so scarce and erratic. I have so much -- this comforting house, this lovely garden -- my companion critters, who are fed and watered and petted, but no walks in weeks. Months, even.

It's one of those periods where I can do only one thing every few days. Even just taking a shower is exhausting. How am I to keep house, take good care of these animal friends, and write or take photos or do anything else as well?

I've lost my way.

I miss the satisfaction I used to get from this activity, from the creativity and thinking and virtual companionship it brings me. But it takes energy, too, doing this. Can I find anything useful -- hopeful -- to say?

And the long absence makes it feel overwhelming again. So many changes. TypePad has added lots of new features; there are new 'places' all over the web -- too many tools, too many 'social networks'. Things don't come naturally anymore; I've forgotten. It seems I need to begin all over, redesign, rethink. Re-Be.

I'm considering sending for Lorelle's new book, just to goose me. Reminders, inspirations. Maybe something to get me going again?

And a serious prune of the blogs I read, and the sites I've joined. There's so much, it's hard to choose. Especially when friends are scattered throughout all these places and tools and toys.

Emerging, again?

Or just overwhelmed??