Watermark: Isolation and Shame

There are side effects of long illness. Isolation is one of them.

I was lucky, relative to other folk with chronic illness, in many ways. I was lucky to not have a partner who would -- or would not -- struggle with this burden. Some few may be lucky to have partners who walk beside them, but from my reading it seems they are few indeed. With all the adaptations this illness required, negotiating through it with another person was a complication I am happy to be without.

When I was well, friendships were grown around activities. Friends and I did things together: auctions, concerts, plays, farmers’ markets, art fairs, antique shops, lectures, lunch, dinner, breakfast … and, of course, work. When all that falls away, it’s no surprise that friends fall away, too.

Or perhaps I fell away. Those first years I was not only fatigued; I was enraged.

Many tried. I tried, too, through the fatigue and frustration.

Friends may also have stepped away due to my own rage and resentment. I was cranky. Not just from pain, but from powerlessness. A workaholic deprived of work; a swimming addict denied the pool -- I was not in a good mood. I was not a graceful patient. I know that some of you were. I don’t know how.

That, at least, is better now. Have I adapted, accepted, or merely given in? I’m not sure, but whatever it is, it’s better. I’m much more able to focus on living a good life, as the life it is, rather than regretting the life that is not.

But the stubbornness, the perseverance, that served me well in my professional life did not serve me well here. It took years to learn to pace myself, and I still struggle with that.

***

I wrote the above weeks ago, planning on posting to Abide. Then my goddess daughter sent me a video:

Then I read the book: The Gifts of Imperfection

Then I -- well, I was stunned. Recognition-stunned. That pain -- that non-physical pain I experienced when I bumped up against the illness wall -- that wasn’t just anger and resentment. That was shame. That is shame.

I’ve experienced that to a nearly debilitating degree around being too sick to work -- to be productive, to contribute -- and around my early attempts to be creative. Well, not early so much -- but when I first tried to write, or draw, as an adult.

So when I saw this, I signed up (it’s spendy, I know; I’m lucky): mondo beyondo dream lab + the gifts of imperfection

Then I saw this tweet from Brene Brown: me too! RT @/kellyraeroberts: i am sooooo very excited to have signed up for @/aliedwards ONE LITTLE WORD ecourse! [One Little Word | Ali Edwards]

So I signed up for that, too. An entirely new creative venue for me. Actually, I didn’t realize when I signed up that it was a scrapbooking thing; I thought it was a word thing. So, new challenges, new skills to learn, and a new kind of stretch. My first month’s efforts are in that photo at the top of this post.

I will be documenting these experiences. I debated some whether to do that on Watermark or on Abide, but I’ve decided that Watermark is where it will be. That’s where I’ve written about other classes and challenges I’ve taken on.

Since this is quite different from something like The Artist’s Way class I did a few years back, I’ve no idea if others will find it of interest.

But, we shall see.

[Cross-posted from Abide]