Crying at the computer

I don't cry. I'm one of those people whose friends are incessantly pointing out the therapeutic benefits of "letting go".  I totally agree with them; I just don't do it.

Except tonight. Tonight I sat at my computer and sobbed. I had to get up and go get kleenex (trademark).

All because of something I know to be silly, to be trivial – but brought me to tears anyway.

These past weeks have been exhilarating and difficult for me, as I've begun to do things I never imagined myself doing. All these images, that I don't really understand, and don't really believe in. Value. Trust. Something ...

I began this in mid-March, when I came across Art Journal Caravan while looking into art journaling for my goddess-daughter. I was so intrigued that she never even got the links – I just started doing it myself. One link leads to another, and so I found Deviant Scrap.

Deviant Scrap puts out a monthly digital magazine called The Deviant Muse. I was fascinated by last month's (which is, of course, the first I saw.) Such amazing images. Such possibilities.

I downloaded the new issue last night.

Two of my pages are in it.

I'm not even sure what all I'm feeling, through my tears. Relief, that what I'm doing appeals to someone? Validation? Over-whelmed, to be sure.

Creativity is such a struggle for me. It was years of anguish before I could write without pain. Now, trying something so new, it comes back. That uncertainty, that lack of trust in my own imagination, my own intuition, my own skills.

And – what is a sixty-four year old poet doing at a place called Deviant Scrap?

She's doing this. These are the pages they published, one serious, but a bit silly; the other entirely silly:

 

 

Maybe it's time for me to engage in a bit of silliness. Well, clearly.

I'm always curious, is creativity this difficult for others? Is it difficult for you? Does the validation you receive for your efforts vanish to mist the very next day?

I'm writing – and posting – this to remind myself: don't forget.

[Click the photos for larger versions & credits at flickr.]

 

Comments

[Alan]

Yeah!

Props.

Al

[milkcan]

They say that we believe 10% of the nice things that people say about us and about 100% of the bad or mean things. Sigh. I think creativity/validation of said creativity is a very difficult journey for many. You are not alone. Thanks for signing up to Art Journal Every Day in May!

[rachel]

Oh dear! Now you've made me get all snuffly! ;) I can tell you that you've been a blessed inspiration and viewing your pieces has been a joy to me since you first popped into DS. We are so lucky to have you! And by the way, I DO hum your little fibro anthem every morning when i wake up and can barely move yet. Makes me smile to myself every single morning, and let me tell you, that is a big improvement to my morning standard! I'm so pleased you've found us, and the sisterhood and support we bring to each other.
big hugs..
orachel

[Andria]

Just found you through Julie's May sign up list, and enjoyed your post. I was just thinking this afternoon (again) about needing to pursue my creative activities for other purposes than some sort of external validation from others. I have to believe a lot of people struggle with worrying about others' validation of their efforts, and how fleeting that satisfaction can be.

[Cathy]

Oh yes, There was times i felt like giving up on the poetry but somehow I don't. Now i have over 700 poems :)

[Marie (also known as Ozstuff)]

Congratulations on being published! I love your two artpieces that found their way into the Deviant Scraps book. Your blog is full of good things and I have enjoyed my visit here.